Stagnant Change

February

2007-02-25T20:26:00.000-08:00

Apparently I now only write once a month. But this is good because I have nothing new to say. School continues to consume my life. My assignments are not incredibly difficult but time consuming. I am starting my research for my competency paper, basically a needs assessment for domestic violence services in Western Crawford County. The women's shelter event has gotten completely ridiculous. Since I am trying to coordinate 3 social work groups, including undergrad and grad students, it has become ridiculous. No one can meet at the same time and the undergrad president isn't willing to do "email meetings". And she told me if our president gives her attitude one more time, she's going to knock her out. There is more to that story but it's not really worth telling. I am sure this girl has a stellar future in social work. The major insanity is that we found out we have to take our clinical licensing exam by May 7th. After that the rules change, blah blah, the point is we have to take it and pass it. Now I will not presume to say that this 4 hour exam is the most difficult licensing exam ever...BUT...honestly I know there is a good chance I will not pass it. I went to a prep class this Saturday and most of the material I have not heard of since undergrad and some I have never even heard of. I have to say all of us are pretty pissed that we covered virtually zero of this material in grad school. Not kidding. I think if I could have a month to just study I would be fine but with everything else going on it's going to be 50/50. Why couldn't the cutoff be in June?
In other news, Ava started a new preschool..a "learn through play" school with all the fancy accrediations, etc. We were so excited about it but now we are unsure. The curriculum is great and the teachers are great. Staff turnover is low but they don't do NAPS. I think it may be too much for her. They have nothing but positive reports about her behavior but when we get her home she is so over tired it is ridiculous. We just realized that the majority of the kids go half days only and spend the rest of the time at home. We feel a bit like outcasts because I am not a stay at home Mom and Steven is not a doctor. We'll see.
In fun news, we went to State College last weekend for a roommate reunion. It was way fun. So funny how you can pick up right where you left off. Ava had to come with us because my parents battling horrible weather, etc. Anyway when we walked into the "fabulous" Ramada Inn she said in an amazed voice "Mommy this is such a beautiful room. I love it!" Believe me it was no more than average, I think she was into the Bermuda bedspreads.
That's it people, nothing exciting. Talk to you in March.

2007-01-22T10:38:00.000-08:00

School is slow going. This is my second week of classes and I feel like I have been at it forever. Two of my classes seem like they might be interesting and worthwhile this semester so that is exciting. The year has started off fairly well. I have decided to have a positive outlook and stress as little as possible. No more freak outs...or at least keeping the freak outs to a minimum. Steven actually sat me down and gave me a pep talk last week. I must be a real nut when school is in session.
Anyway, Steven has also started his crazy class for his crazy 8 hour engineer exam. And Ava has started tumbling class. It is really cute and she loves it. Who knew you could get so excited about the crab walk and frog pops?
Our community service project for the the Graduate Social Work Association (I'm VP) is to solicit donations from local businesses and private citizens for The Greenhouse, which is the Meadville women's shelter. I am pretty excited about the project eventhough it will entail more work than last semster's kettle ringing and angel tree. Since my thesis is on rural domestic violence, I have more insight into the people we will be helping which makes me want to work harder. I don't hold out any unrealistic hopes about what we will get donated because in this small town as in many small towns gender based abuse is not always considered a problem. My supervisor at United Way is actually told she is not allowed to discuss women's services when she does presentations at some of the local factories. Crazy. Anyway, let's hope we have some good luck with this project.

A New Year

2007-01-03T06:17:00.000-08:00

Yeah! A new year! Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to all of you out there. We had a good holiday with limited excitement. Ava enjoyed all of her presents this year and was a bit of a maniac. It was really cool though. My cousin dressed up as Santa on Christmas day at my Grandmother's house. Ava and her cousin Angelina went wild. We did nothing exciting for New Year's because Steven was sick. We had a movie night with the most random movies: Scoop, Invincible, My Super Ex-Girlfriend and The Black Dahlia. Dahlia was my fave, Scoop and Invicible were entertaining but not great and Super Ex-Girlfriend was horrible (although we expected it to be horrible).

Plans for the New Year are basically to drive ourselves to the edge with added stress, work and responsibility...at least for the semester. This last semester should be insane and my thesis may kill me. On top of the usual insanity, Steven has decided to take the EIT exam which he really should have taken as soon as he graduated. Anyway he is now taking a refresher cousre every Friday after work in Erie until he takes the exam in May. Therefore, leaving only Monday an d Wednesday evenings open for child free study time and everything else we have to do. It should be interesting. I keep telling myself that it is less that 5 months of our lives and it helps keeps things in perspective.

In other news when I checked my grades (all As and a B+), I realized that my fuck face, sexual harassing, mental case professor from last year had changed my grade from an A to a B for last semester. Now in the grand scheme of things a B or A will not really matter in my life. It is just the principle. I got As on all the exams and only missed the class once. Plus are you allowed to give someone an A and then change your mind? I mean he didn't just tell me I got an A, I looked it up on the "official" site. So do I waste time and energy pursuing this or just let it go? My friend Amy's grade was also changed from a B to a C. And honestly she didn't deserve a B in the first place. I think this school has been one of the worst decisions of my life. It has caused me so much stress I can't take it.

The Aftermath

2006-11-27T06:31:00.000-08:00

So Thanksgiving went OK. The food turned out really well especially the baked pineapple and cream cheesy pumpkin pie. Steven and I went to Wal Mart @ 3AM to stand in the toy line. It was actually fun. People were crazy and ridiculous but most of them were nice. We had a good time and got Ava a VSmile, Thomas Tank Train Set and a Cabbage Patch doll. She is quite spoiled this year. Between Xmas and her birthday she is getting so much stuff. Plus she is having her big party. We also put up our Christmas tree, outside lights and other decorations. We are truly festive this year and Ava is just amazed by it all.

In other news, school sucks. I just have no motivation this year. Part of my problem is that there are 50 million group projects. I hate group projects especially when you cannot pick your group. For example, in one group two of the members cannot write well at all. I am not a perfect writer but I know when to combine a sentence and not to use "also" SEVEN times in one paragraph. Do I tell these people what I really think or do I just say it looks good and take a poor grade? I will probably do the latter because I hate to hurt people's feelings and I don't want any extra stress. I really hope this master's degree is worth all this time and effort.

2006-11-22T07:03:00.000-08:00

Yeah Thanksgiving! My husband and I love Thanksgiving because we have claimed it as our holiday...meaning we stay home and cook. Anyone who wants to see us has to come to dinner. We spend so much time driving on the holidays to visit family. It stresses us out and makes our time off seem so much shorter. This year we are having turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes and gravy, homemade rolls, baked pineapple, brown sugar carrots, baby sweet corn, mixed salad with apple dressing and creamcheese pumpkin pie. It is a bit of an undertaking but I am excited. Steven's Mom and Cousin Jane will be coming which which should be interesting.
Happy Thanksgiving to Everyone! Eat until your pants pop open!

Happy Feet and Sesame Street

2006-11-17T09:10:00.000-08:00

Last night was the Happy Feet pre-premiere charity event for The United Way. I was unable to attend because I had class but of course I made Steven go. Ava actually did OK and didn't get fidgety until half way through. This is a miracle for her. Steven came home a bit emotional. Alot of the kids attending did not buy their own tickets and were sponsored by businesses, etc. He was upset about the state of many of the children and families that attended. He reported some as being a bit dirty and smelly while others just didn't have clothes that fit them, etc. I think it is easy to forget that there is poverty in our country. I think it is alot harder for some people to admit that poverty even exists and often people want to blame the poverty stricken for their situations. I can attest that for most people, at least the one's that I have worked with, it is rarely their fault. They are out there and they are often invisible to us. The gap between the "have"" and the have nots" is getting bigger and buying a toy off the angel tree at WalMart may make you feel good but it is not enough. When is this country going to take this seriously?

In lighter news, Ava's 3rd birthday is approaching. We are having a Sesame Street kid party for her. I have invited 7 kids from her daycare. I must say I am a bit terrified of the whole thing. Strange children and parents...and I am in charge of the fun. We have hired a clown for the entertainment, then cake, the pinata and presents. I think it is a good schedule and the party is only for 2 hours. It should be fun. I am hoping for no puking, peeing, pooping or bleeding.

Board of Directors Baffoons?

2006-11-15T08:45:00.000-08:00

OK so this year I am realizing the crazy baffoons that serve on nonprofit boards are nonproductive. For example, I was asked to attend Ava's daycare's board meeting to talk about grant writing opportunities for them and also to review grants they write and give suggestions. It was eye opening, sad and a waste of my time. I kept wanting to scream NO! What are you thinking? They spent 47 minutes deciding who would be employee of the month and get a $20 gift card to WalMart. No discussion on fundraising, program development or staff training. Not to mention their board consisted of 5 members. Ok so there is an example of an informal amateur board. The board members for the United Way I intern at are crappy in a different way. Alright they are not completely crappy, most of them have their heart in the right place. But they are so full of themselves and their connecctions/status in the community, it is really sickening. To be fair, there have been boards I have sat in on and they have been productive and positive. I hate being reminded of how jack asses there are in this world. Soon I will be governed by jack asses in every aspect of my life. Sometimes I think I am meant to fly solo. I get so annoyed so easily and maybe I have control issues. Maybe I would be better off living in Montana living off the land and selling my knick knacks for spending money.

November

2006-11-13T06:12:00.000-08:00

Good Lord! I can't believe I haven't posted in 7 months! I am now offcially married. As predicted, it doesn't feel much different but I guess when you live with someone and have a 2 year old together there is not too much change. The wedding went well so I am told. Of course there were things that went wrong that bothered me but I don't think many people realized except my poor bridesmaids who got to deal with my mini breakdown in the AM. I had the most wonderful bridesmaids ever and my whole family commented on what "wonderful ladies" they were. Ava had a good time. She just ran around like a maniac raiding the cookie buffet and dancing. We went to AC for a short honeymoon because I couldn't take any more time off of school. I know many of you have eaten at PF Chang's but out here in the woods we don't have those kind of luxuries. We ate at one in AC and can I just tell you that Chinese food has not been the same since.

Grad school has taken over my life. I am currently sifting through 63 articles for my competency paper policy analysis. Although the work isn't extremely difficult, there is just too much of it, plus these people love group projects. LOVE THEM! I just remind myself that there is only 7 more months left. I have no classes with the nervous breakdown sexual harasser this semester so that is a plus. I must say that I do like my internship at The United Way. Everyone is nice and I am learning alot about funding and administration. Yee Haw!

It's getting heavier...

2006-03-23T18:10:00.000-08:00

So I have had an abnormal test which lead to some concern by my doctor. Apparently I have some "abnormalities" and thos abnormalities are in the "high risk" category for cancer. So I have another procedure done which is incredibly uncomfortable and a bit painful. A lovely biopsy. Now I wait a week to find out if I have cancer.

Now don't go getting all nutty. It is a more rare cancer and more treatable one if caught early. However it may affect my ability to carry a pregnancy which is really upsetting me. I have been a bit in denial about what I have been told. I have known about it since January and of course thought there wasn't really anything wrong. I can't help but have visions of a bald sickly person wasting away and never getting to see her daughter grow up. That is a bit of an over reaction. Hey with 1 in 4 people getting cancer should I really be surprised to be a candidate?

Burning Out

2006-03-20T11:22:00.000-08:00

So yeah, I feel I may be a bit burned out. I have officially given myself chronic stomach problems according to my doctor. She feels things will improve when school ends.

Anyway I have just finished putting together an educational group on burn out for those in the human service field. I have to present it on Thursday. I have watched the film that my other exam is based on but have yet to actually write it. I completed the freaking 20 page jack ass busy work assignment by the sexual harrassser professor. I still have to read a book and write a ten page paper analyzing the policies within it, send out my 100 surveys for the consumer satisfaction of the Life Skills Program for the study I am conducting, research and analyze a bill..we chose H1459...for a 200 project and I can't even go on.

In wedding news, Julie, Les and I went bridesmaid dress shopping. It was way fun except for one minor mini breakdown. We have it narrowed to 5 dresses. I have finally officially chosen colors. I booked a baker. I had a brief conversation with a seamstress about revamping my dress. Steven and I met with our priest and did some paperwork. Still trying to figure out transportation, flowers, decor, gifts, liquor, etc. Progress has been made. I think the stress is making me eat less. That could be good.

Ridiculousness

2006-03-05T11:10:00.000-08:00

Ok so everytime I write it is the same thing and probably will be for two more months. I just finished a take home social welfare and policy exam. I feel like a loser because I did not realize how much I didn't know about the basic running of the American government. Through the entire exam I couldn't get the Schoolhouse Rock "I am just a bil sitting on Capital Hill..." thing out of my nead.

Rented Just Like Heaven, Elizabethtown and Walk the Line. I am sure these are old news to some but for us adult learner mothers they are new.
Just Like Heaven..cute but will never rent again. Good Saturday morning cleaning background.
Elizabethtown...started out a bit slow but got very funny and meaningful by the middle and even better at the end.
Walk the Line...not quite what I expected but I loved it. Of course I grew up listening to Johnny Cash and the like on the eight track of my father's pick up. Great story, great love affair, just pretty darn great. Bonus: Reese Witherspoon...she has been my favorite for a few years now.

I am feeling like I want to be southern again.

Bad news: My opportunity to work in London for 6 months after graduation is probably a no go unless Steven quits his job. We both want to go and take Ava but he cannot get a leave of absense from his position with those circumstances. I am still working on it. It is such a good opportunity.

I'm sick

2006-02-22T09:19:00.000-08:00

I feel like crap today. I caught whatever Ava had and it is miserable. Anyway I am handing in my exam for the pervert professor today. We'll have to see what grade I get. I also have to do a presentation which I am not to excited about. My throat is killing me.

In other news, I have that lonely feeling again. I miss having friends and would really like to have a friend with a kid living close by. However, with this wacky schedule I could not imagine having much time for them anyway.

Can't wait for summer and the pool.

Currently...

2006-02-19T14:23:00.000-08:00

I am working on a take home exam for my human behavior and social environment class. It sucks. He grades based on the exams from the rest of the students. So really I should get an A but there are two students who are such freaking over achievers that we all have to work harder. I mean I have answered the questions sufficiently, some of them even more than sufficient. But thanks to the two adult learner freaks, I must now research to find outside sources to site just to have them on there. I don't even know why I care.

Not to mention this prof is a freak. He is vulgar and always talks about sex. Mind you this is social work 95% of the class is women. Last week he taught for 15 minutes and decided to cancel class because he couldn't concentrate. Most of the class goes to a local bar with cheap food for lunch and who is there drinking? Yes, Mr. Pervert. He has to try and hang out with us and buy us drinks. Let me just point out that he had his tenure blocked because he was inapprpriately drinking at bars with students.

So this past week we had class in which he does a class exercise. He asked us to draw our last sexual position. Which of course no one did. He did it to remind us that we can't ask clients to do things we wouldn't do ourselves. I think he probably could have come up with another way. Anyway he lets us out early again and we go for dinner at the same bar. Again he is already there drinking. Alcoholic maybe? He decides to hang out with us again. Tells me how nice my hair looks (I straightened it) and proceeds to tell me he thought his wife was sexy as shit when she got a haircut like mine. He said it was like putting a bag over her head, like he was having sex with someone else. And then proceeded to rub my friend's arm just a little too long.

Now you may ask why I won't report him. Maybe because I go to a school that lies about the # of rapes there are on campus. Maybe because a reprot was made last year and he made the girl's life hell. I am 28, I thought I was past this type of bullshit.

Busy, Busy, Busy...

2006-01-25T08:21:00.000-08:00

So I hope everyone is having a fabulous January. Mine is busy. I started working with a personal trainer two days a week. It is group personal training so I work with four other women. Let me just tell you that 90% of the women who go here are buff. And most of them are in the 40s and 50s. I totally felt ridiculous my first day because I sweating like a pig and these older ladies were completely dry. I like it so far (3 times). It is psychotically hard but I like the feeling. I feel like I am on the track team again or during my first couple years of college when I ran or went to the gym all the time. Anyway we also do cardio 5-6 times a week which means I als have to go there for that and do stuff at home on the weekends. We do only 16 minutes of cardio but as hard as you can do it without falling over. And don't even get me started on the diet and the protein shakes.

School has also started. I thought this semester would be better becasue I would know what to expect. Wrong! Everything is different. We have all these presentations and group assignments. Thanks.

I was offerred a part time assistanship. This is great because I get half of my tuition free this semester and a small stipend. However this means Ava is in daycare 5 dyas a week instead of 4. Plus one more thing in my schedule. Those Mondays off were good for catching up with Ava and doing homework and reading.

So as it goes my schedule is the following:

Monday: Do assistantship in Edinboro from 9-5. Drive back a 30 mins to Meadville to do cardio.
Tuesday: Go to personal trainer for 9am. Rush home get a shower and be at internship from 1130am -730pm.
Wednesday: Cardio at 930am. Go home shower, eat, etc and then clas from 1pm- 830pm.
Thursday: Go to personal trainer for 9am. After the weights, do cardio. Go home. Class from 3pm- 830pm.
Friday: go to internship from 9-5pm. Go to do cardio.

Doesn't seem too horrible until you throw in millions of hours of reading and homework. And of course planning this goddamn wedding. And poor Ava who will probably get the least amount of attention she has ever had. The guilt kills me. Eats away at me. And yet I find no other way. It is hard to pass up the assistanship. And it is not worth it to go to a personal trainer if I don't do the whole program. I tell myself it is only 31/2 months until summer and that is all that gets me through. I wonder how much this schedule will affect her? I guess we will see.

Hope everyone out there is enjoying the fabulous yet horrific snow.

Happy New Year

2006-01-01T11:36:00.000-08:00

New Year's Eve was fun. My brother is visiting and watched Ava for us so we could go out to dinner. I have to say the place we went to was sort of a dive but we had the most amazing steak dinners. We also had a rousing game or too of MegaTouch before we headed home. When we got home and put Ava to bed, we ate a crap load of junk food and had a five and half hour game of monopoly. Steven won of course and I was almost brought to tears. Tonight we will have a marathon of Phase Ten and tomorrow shopping at the Grove City Outlets. Whoo! Then it is back to the internship grind. Wedding plans are still clouding my head. I did an official budget on Friday and realized we were going $2500 over budget. Probably not a good thing but we'll see what happens. Have a wonderful New Year all ! Here's to prosperity in 2006!

Holiday Exhaustion

2005-12-26T23:14:00.000-08:00

We are leaving to go home tomorrow AM. On the way we are going to stop by and see Adam, Les and Jules who we have not seen in forever. Our holiday was good. Saw more family than I can count. Also saw Julie, Taylor and Dave which was great. Ava is a professional at opening presents. She got a fabulous Radio Flyer tricycle with a wagon attached to the back.

In wedding news, we have booked a photographer and DJ. We also decided on a bakery to get the cake from. Church, reception hall, DJ, photographer, bakery and most of the attendants asked. Things are moving right along. Progress has been made. Sigh of relief.

Moving along

2005-12-21T21:41:00.000-08:00

Today was wedding madness. Appointments with photographers and bakers. Converstaions with DJs. Because I have waited so long to book finding a photographer is a bit hard. I only found one guy I really liked and thought his work was within my ecpectations. My expectations being minimal cheese. The only problem is that he is twice what I am able to spend on a photographer. Decisions, decisions... I think we will just book him because finding someone else would be insanity. I believe we found the perfect baker/"pastry artist". That means he is cheap and good. I just want a really tall over the top cake. Not even like fondant fancy. Plain is ok as long as it is so tall it touches the ceiling. I found one DJ who seems ok and am waiting on a call back from another one. Progress is good. If I book a DJ, baker and photographer by the New Year I will be in business. Then after that comes all the making of things. Hours and hours of making things. This is when it is good to live near friends and family. Alas I will be the lone bride plugging away at her wedding extravaganza.

Home Again

2005-12-19T21:19:00.000-08:00

We made it to Hazleton in one piece. It was touch and go for awhile. Ava has an ear infection and that can be rough. Seriously though everytime I come home my mother starts telling me what to do. It is so weird. She was reminding me about five times to turn the lights off before I went to bed. And encouraging me to go to bed early. It's funny, she is always in parent mode but when I am in her territory it is in super parent mode.

Tomorrow I am going for a magnetic treatment at my mother's chiropracter. I am super excited. I have never had it done before and you are supposed to feel fabulous afterwards.

Also in happy news, I have one confirmed A. Slammin'.

Freedom...Sort of...

2005-12-18T21:53:00.000-08:00

So I have finally finished my finals. I think I did well. I'll update when I find out for sure. This semester went by quickly and I am beginning to believe I could actually graduate. The only real problems are those days when I hardly see Ava and the fact that I haven't done any wedding stuff since like September. I work better under pressure I think.

So as soon as I finished my exams last night, I had to wrap presents, finish writing Christmas cards and pack to go to my parents. I am happy to go home for a long week with Ava but of course my mother already has everyday scheduled. I have to fit some wedding stuff in there somewhere. Steven will be joining us on the 23rd. He will have four glorious days to himself this week. He is thrilled.

My parents arrived today and we had a rousing game of pinnochle tonight while we listened to Christmas music. I felt normal again. I have to say my bff Les and her family did make it to PA. They seem happy and are thrilled to have friends close by again. I miss having friends and especially a close group of friends. I have made a few friends at school and they are all great but it is not quite the same. I feel a bit lonely again but I am sure it will fade.

Floridians No More

2005-12-06T21:19:00.000-08:00

So my BFF and crew are moving back to PA after 3 years in FL. I can't even stand it. Currently I am trying to figure out where they are. I haven't had contact in two days and may be having withdrawl. Actually she just has a really good way of calming me down. Let's all hope they have finally reached their destination.

She's a Brick House

2005-12-06T21:11:00.000-08:00

Today was the Italian Civic Spaghetti Dinner for all the clients and staff at the Arc. They throw the dinner every year and apparently the clients look forward to it all year long. The food was no thrill but the company was great. I will mention that the mentally retarded community loves their disco. The YMCA brought the house down. Also at one point the DJ said "I know we have already played this song twice but Bobby was in the bathroom and would like to hear it". Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer came on and there was a rush to the dance floor. It was so cute and funny.

I really like working with this population so far. They are so sweet. The whole goal is to get this population more integrated into the community and as independent as possible but I just can't help being protective of them. It may be my downfall.

Chill

2005-12-06T21:03:00.000-08:00

It is cold here. 15degrees. Plus we are having a snow storm tomorrow again. I love living in the snowbelt. Bundling Ava up is such a chore. She hates her winter jacket. We haven't been able to take her sled riding yet and I wish we could.

It seems like the semester will never end. I am a bit stressed. Yesterday I was using a phone card to call my best friend from Hazleton. The call wouldn't go through and then I called customer service three times trying to get a person and not a goofy voice prompter thing. I broke down in tears. When Steven came home from picking up salads we figured out that I had been dialing the wrong area code for my friend. This was my area code for about 22 years. I just lost it. I started bawling and went upstairs threw myself on the bed and decided to quit grad school. After a cookie and back massage I started my next paper. Crazy much?

Tense

2005-12-03T08:55:00.000-08:00

Things are still ridicuously busy and out of control. Finals assignments and papers are kicking my ass. Now I have to put together a self esteem class for the mentally retarded at my internship. Of course it is also due finals week. So thanks. Anyway we caught a mouse which is good news. However, the same day we caught the mouse we found mouse poo on our couch. This confirms that they can climb up things which means they can get anywhere. It is terrifying. I am completely freaked. Anyway we are still using the traps which I feel are a bit unhumane but if we don't get the other ones (if there are other ones) I will die. I have no clue when I will write again. This finals crap is taking over my life. See you mid December.

Lack of Time or...

2005-11-28T09:18:00.000-08:00

I just feel like my head will explode. I have all this ridiculous anger towards school. I am frustrated with my classes and how much time they are taking up. I just keep thinking don't blow it now. I have four As and a C. I am not even a grades freak or anything but I figure since I have As I should try to keep them. It is all for not though because I have way too much to read. And I like to read. One of those people who could read a book in a day if they were into it. But I miss my freedom and my kid and my fiancee. We have no money, the holidays are coming up and I am thinking why did I think school was a good idea. As much as I try I am just a night owl. Everytime I get myself conditioned to go to bed at 1am because of a job or something as soon as I get a break I am up until 3 or 4. I can't help it. Idon't even want to be up late anymore. I have these dreams of getting up at 7am and enjoying the peace and having a bunch of things accoplished by noon. So do I really have a lack of time or a lack of discipline? Plus the wedding crap is freaking me out. I want to lose the baby weight which continues to plague me for the last two years and actually have time to plan things well. I have really considered taking off next semester to plan but that would lead to a whole bunch of other problems. Maybe I'll just go take a hot shower.

Mouse in the House

2005-11-24T09:18:00.000-08:00

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone! It will be quite happy here because Steven's Mom can't make it because of the snow. Yeah! That may sound mean but there is alot of back story. Anyway we are still having his elderly Aunt Jane who lives in the retirement home nearby. It should be fun. This is the first time we have cooked a holiday meal for someone else. We will be having a cheese and cracker tray, veggie tray, citrus infused turkey, mashed potatoes, stuffing, green bean casserole, candied carrots, salad and pumpkin pie made by me! No sweet potatoes because Steven hates them, hence the candied carrots.

In other news we have a mouse in the house. Last night around 2:30am I was reading the paper on the floor in the living room after finishing the pies and I thought I saw something out of the corner of my eye. This has happened to me all my life because I am terrified of ghosts. Anyway it was no ghost it was a large dark gray mouse possibly a mole. It ran past me about two feet away. I was like lightning upstairs while screaming Steven's name. I threw the lights on and he almost fell out of bed. Anyway I made him sit up for an hour trying to find the mouse. I couldn't sleep last night. I put towels under our and Ava's bedroom door hoping it couldn't get in. And my mother always says when there's one there's two. I grew up in the country so a mouse in the house is not uncommon but I just can't stand. There is a damn blizzard outside and I am going to have to pilgrimage for traps.

All Fours

2005-11-22T22:49:00.000-08:00

OK, what is with women posing on all fours? I mean I know what they are getting at but for God's sake. There is a reality Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader thing on right now and they have some of them posing on all fours for the squad photo. I mean, really, it isn't porn. And seriously ladies, how often are we on all fours? I am sure I will be lucky enough for Ava to be a cheerleader in Junior High and in her yearbook photo she will be on all fours. I bet no one will even think it is weird. Actually, we have a family photo coming up. I am going to pose on all fours and we will all wear blue sweaters. Perfect.

Matrimony Madness

2005-11-20T08:35:00.000-08:00

I am starting to have freak outs about the wedding ceremony. I am not too excited about being the focus of all the attention. I am totally uncomfortable with myself since I had Ava. I honestly am afraid I may get panic attacky. Anyway we have opted for the shorter service rather than go through a whole mass which I guess will help lengthwise. For those of you who don't know Catholic services tend to be long rather than those nice 15 minute Prostestant ceremonies. Still I know I know I will not be a calm composed bride. I will be a nut and my bridesmaids will not know what to do with me. I have already had suggestions from friends to only invite a handful of people to the ceremony and then the rest to the reception but I don't think they understand the concept of Catholic people. You never cut out the church.

Thanksgiving

2005-11-20T08:28:00.000-08:00

I am looking forward to Thanksgiving because we have sort of adopted it as our holiday. Because we live away from family we are forever traveling hours and hours for the festivities. It is nice to be in your own home for a holiday. Anyway this year we are having turkey stuffed with citirus fruit, stuffing, mashed potatoes, green bean casserole, cranberry sauce, corn and salad. For dessert either pumpkin pie or pumpkin pudding pie. Steven deosn't like pumpkin pie which is just crazy. I also have to make a secondary dessert to celebrate Ava's birthday. Eventhough we already had a party for her we have to do it again because Steven's mother and Aunt are coming. My only Thanksgiving burden is having to cook for a woman who hates me. But I shall drink alot of wine and enjoy the football game.

Big Mac Attack

2005-11-08T20:14:00.000-08:00

A few months ago they demolished the McDonald's downtown. Steven and I were excited thinking that something interesting would take it's place. Obviously we are crazy because they built another McDonald's in it's place. So today walking to my car from my internship a with his son makes small talk with me as we wait for the light. He asks me if I had been to the new McDonald's. I say no is today the grand opening? Yes he says. Is it nice I say? Yes it's lovely just lovely. We then part ways and I chuckle. The man was a bit WT and I thought it was cute how excited he was. Later on today we are driving to WalMart to replace the blowdryer that so conveniently broke this AM and we run into this insane traffic jam. Oh yes the new McDonald's is packed and they hired auxiliary police to manage traffic. Oh My God! The whole town must have been there. This is apparently the most exciting thing since 50s Night at the Community Center. Amazing.

Mommy Guilt

2005-11-06T21:56:00.000-08:00

I can't believe how much work I have in grad school. I knew it would be hard but this is getting out of control. I thought fulltime school and planning a wedding would be not too bad. I am a nut. Now that the two day a week internship has begun, the weekly ten hours of reading and 2, 3, or 6! assignments a week are a bit much. And I don't mean homework assignments, I mean reasearch assignments and papers and nonsense. I have been to the histroical society three times in the last two months. They now use turnitin.com for papers which makes me incredibly nervous. Not that I plagarize or anything but jeez my last paper came up that I took from two high school papers which I had never even seen. Good God!

Plus this wedding planning business is driving me nuts. I can't pin down a color scheme. At least we have a date, Sept 23rd, and a church and a reception venue. Thank God! It only took 6 months to get one.

Plus I have the Mommy guilt. I don't see Ava as much and she is very clingy. I try to study upstairs while Steven is watching her downstairs. As soon as he turns his back she runs up the stairs and busts into the room saying "Hi! Hi!". She misses me and I miss her.

I really want to get good grades(and have to get them to remain in the program) but I wonder what is more important. Mommy guilt is rough.

Sorority Life

2005-11-01T11:13:00.000-08:00

I just finished reading Pledged by Alexandra Robbins. It was quite good. Of course I was looking for all the negative stories. The book did give some but I think it was a fair assessment of what sororities are like today. It kind of grossed me out. The lack of community service was suprising to me but I guess it shouldn't have been. I know there is a crazy amount of partying and all of their special meetings but I really thought they did more for the community. I guess instead of excessive partying, alcohol poisoning and date rape, I would rather think of the original sororities. The fraternities come a serenade and the girls don't haze each other. And there is all the formals and wearing pearls. It seems like it might have been romantic. Oh well.

I'm Back...

2005-10-31T22:51:00.000-08:00

It has been quite a while but I believe I am back in the blogging mood. I no longer work at the residential treatment facility for adolescents. I quit in August so I could go to grad school fulltime. I am doing the Masters of Social Work program which so far is not too bad. I think I actually missed school. And i think I missed praise from others for a job well done. You don't get those kinds of compliments being a housewife and mother. Actually I do get some compliments like that but I don't place as much worth on those. Kind of weird because if I had to pick something I was most proud of, it would be my daughter not my job or degrees. Funny how in our society we complain about the fall of family life but we place much less worht on those accomplishments, and focus on career.

Anyway, Ava is doing well. She talks so much more than before. She also lets me know when she has gone poo poo. Small wonders.

Steven is doing well too. He just got a promotion and is no longer a trainee. He is an official sanitation engineer. woo.

And, for the love of God, we finally have a date and reception venue for our wedding. September 23, 2006 baby!

The only yucky thing right now is mother-in-law issues. What else is knew? I have to say I am really proud of the way Steven has confronted his mother about some of her actions. This is a big step for him and I know I am the catalyst. It worries me because I don't want to be the reason they argue. Communication is good though. It will get worse before it gets better...and all that jazz. Good to be back.

Non Profit

2005-04-25T22:50:00.000-07:00

I began my new job today working at a residential treatment facility for adolescent females. The company I work for is non profit. The difference between for profit and non profit is just amazing. At the other for profit residential I worked for the children were taken on outings often shopping but the children had no money to spend. Or some of the kids did and some of them were left to watch their peers shop and brag. My new place pays the kids a dollar for every chore they do. They also work with the kids doing fundraisers. They taught the girls how to crochet and I was amazed to see their work. They sell their blankets and get to keep the money. Now granted a dollar a day is not a ton of money but at least they feel like they have something. And seven bucks can go a long way at The Dollar Store.

The non profit also has a pool on the premise, a playground and a greenhouse. The kids actually have interesting recreation. At the for profit they had a field, old gym equipment and a "nature walk" that was covered with brush. The non profit has a school building that looks like a school building, instead of random rooms where ever they can be found. The non profit has cable, a dvd player and a playstation. The for profit had tvs that only worked half the time and they never had cable.

These differences are astounding when it comes to quality of life and, therefore, quality of treatment. Although this non profit organization is still far from ideal, it is nice to see that there are places that put back into their programs and care about the client.

Straw Lovin'

2005-04-15T21:13:00.000-07:00

Ava learned to sip through a straw today while we were at Red Lobster. Steve forgot her sippy cup so I tried to teach her like I had about five times before and she just knew how to do it. It is just funny the things you don't think about. At one point we all had to learn how to use a straw.

J-O-B

2005-04-15T21:07:00.000-07:00

So I officially have a new job which I start in a week. I will counseling adolescent girls who live in a residential treatment facility. I have done this type of work before and it is always high stress. Luckily it should only be temporary because I hope to quit when I start grad school. Today I went in for paperwork and one of the staff mentioned that the girls were jumping the female staff. How exciting. Apparently one of the staff quit after an incident and another went to the hospital. Not exactly the most welcoming comment. Although I should not be too suprised because the girls only come from the inner city.

123 High

2005-04-08T22:17:00.000-07:00

I have recently decided to put all of my photos and memorabilia into albums chronologically in order to document my life for my daughter. I had many in small albums but I also have about two Rubbermaid tubs full of random pics. I already have three albums done and have not even scratched the surface. This is going to take a while. I really am enjoying this because I am reliving all these crazy memories, good and bad. I haven't realized that I have lived so much. What will it feel like in twenty years? I will probably have to have a room just for memories. I am such a sap. When I see some of these pics I go back to random scenes in my mind and remember the smells more than anything. Like 123 High St, an apartment of some of my friends that we all sort of lived at, smelled like a mix of smoke, marijuana, insence, parrot poop and at times a bit of trash and stale beer. I can remember the smell of the couches that I passed out on about one million times and the faint odor of pizza that came from the bar across the street.

Reggae Weather

2005-04-06T10:24:00.000-07:00

Finally the snow has melted after having another 12 inches last week. It is now reggae weather. Bob Marley Legend all the way. We have also purchased a fabulous tent with screened in sides to put over our patio. I love eating dinner outside especially without bugs.

Marriage

2005-04-05T20:21:00.000-07:00

Weddings are in the air. Not only is my fabulous friend Laura getting married in July but now my friend Julie has just decided to get married this May 7th. I would also like to mention that we have still not found a suitable reception location. The one place we both love is completely out of our budget. One positive is that we found a reasonably priced photographer, finally. With all this wedding stress I wonder if Julie has the right idea...a small ceremony with an intimate dinner and a big casual BBQ a few months later. Not a bad idea.

Ya-Ya

2005-04-05T20:10:00.000-07:00

I just finished reading Ya-Yas In Bloom by Rebecca Wells. Very good, not as good as Divine Secrets or Little Altars but I love reading anything I get on The Ya-Yas. I have to agree with my friend Les, southern women are fabulous. Sitting on the porch, playing cards and drinking iced tea is the life. Plus having your best friends living in the same town...whoo hoo. Oh I miss my girlfriends.

Acceptance

2005-03-31T10:13:00.000-08:00

Yes I have been accepted to grad school. I guess all my missing classes, partying and working in undergrad didn't matter as much as I thought. Whoo Hoo! Now I get to go through the fabulous process of financial aid.

February

2005-03-25T12:15:00.000-08:00

We are stuck in February. Our calendars are still on February and our weather is still like February. Not the exciting right before Valentine's Day February but the icky day after Valentine's Day February. Also I have always thought February was the hardest month to spell when I was a kid. Yuck. I hate February.

Thankful

2005-03-25T12:09:00.000-08:00

OK I have a thankful. My cousin had a baby with his girkfriend three months before I had Ava. They were engaged and lived in their own home and went on vacations. I was a bit jealous. However, they are now separating and in a horrifyingly digusting custody battle. Basically they are using the baby as pawn in their bitterness towards each other. I am thankful that my unwedded baby having self is not dealing with that problem. Although I guess it does not matter if you are wed or not. I dread ever having to deal with such things and if I do I pray that I will handle well and not be an asshole.

Does Anybody Even Still Read This?

2005-03-24T20:59:00.000-08:00

I am such a poor blogger. At this point I am sure no one is reading but what the hell? I started a job and quit after three days. Part of my job was educating parents how to clean and in one case it invovled cleaning up dogshit in a house full of trash and lice. I just couldn't do it. It sucks because of we need the money but I actually liked the people I met. I liked getting out of the house and talking to someone in person besides Steven and Ava. I just recently realized how lonely I am. I must give props to my friends Adam and Les for moving a 1000 miles away where they knew no one. I have applied to three more jobs. We'll see how it goes. It is difficult because we are currently sharing one car so my job needs to be in town, along the same time schedule as Steven's, pay enough to cover daycare and have enough left over to be worth it. It makes me tense.
We visited my parents for an extended weekend. It was nice eventhough we were all sick. I really like hanging out with my parents. I just love playing Pinnochle all night. We looked at several different reception locations and after we calculated we discovered we can't really afford any of them. It is a bit depressing. We knew it would be tough. It just seems that everything is a struggle lately. Trying to stay and feel healthy, getting our heads above water financially and just feeling like we are working towards some sort of a future. The late twenties suck a bit for me. I am sure there are plently of you out there who think they are great but I struggle. I almost feel like a am just devastated to find out that this is life. Like I can't even remember the person I was five years ago. I know we change and evolve, and that is good. But I am tired, I miss the fun, that carefree feeling, the eternal optimism and the excitement for a new day. Maybe it is just a faze, I would hate to be jaded at 27.

Kisses, Kisses, Kisses

2005-03-09T09:45:00.000-08:00

So today Ava started giving kisses for the first time. I haven't even been trying to teach her this, it just came out of nowhere. And it is so freaking cute.

Edit

2005-03-09T09:44:00.000-08:00

So by feet, I mean feat, I think.

Higher Education

2005-03-08T23:31:00.000-08:00

I will proudly state that I have officially applied to grad school. Whether I get in or not, doing the application was a feet in itself. Also I took the MATS and did very well. Thank you very much.

Emotional

2005-03-08T23:16:00.000-08:00

OK I will be truthful. I have been crying like some kind of fool for the last week. I am terrified of daycare. I know I am being irrational but I keep having these horrible dreams that they are mean to her. I haven't slept properly all weekend. Actually I think it comes down to the fact that I will miss her. With the new schedule we will get home around 4:30/5 and she will have to be in bed by 7:30/8, that gives me about 3 hours a day with her and that is if I don't work in the evening. Is this what this country has come to? Most families need two incomes to stay above water and establish some security. We give our kids to strangers and hope for the best. OK I am actually bawling right now so I will go. But I would like to personally thank dirty Bush and Congress for shooting down a minimum wage raise. It has been nine years for Christ's sake.

Employment

2005-03-08T22:59:00.000-08:00

So I finally have a job and I am not too thrilled about it. It is not quite what I want to do but it will expand my horizons. I will be a parent/homemaker educator. Basically I will go into homes assess, teach and monitor changes that need to made in the home. This could be parenting skills, cleanliness, etc. I will also teach seminars on anger management and the like. Most of the families referred to us are court ordered to our services by Children and Youth Services...meaning many will be resentful that we are invading their home. Also I will have to testify in court often which is never my favorite thing. My biggest issues really are that Ava will have to go to daycare and that the hours include some evening time which I was trying to avoid. I have been a bit misty about my baby being with strangers all day long. Sigh.

Cocaine and Advil

2005-03-08T22:49:00.000-08:00

This is just ridiculous. I know someone who refuses to take Advil or Tylenol because "they are not good for you". However, this person used to smoke pot on a regular basis and had a small stint with cocaine. This person says that cocaine is safer than Advil because besides its addictive nature cocaine is healthier for the body than Advil. What? Could this possibly be true? Anyhow this person finally took an Advil for a toothache and was extremely suprised at how well it worked.

Mother in Law

2005-03-08T22:32:00.000-08:00

Icky. My future mother in law visited this weekend. It was icky. I always thought I would be friends with my mother in law. Now I realize this was only a pipe dream. We are uncomfortably friendly with each other and force ourselves to speak to each other. And Steven is not much help because he hardly speaks to her either. In fact they speak to each other more when I leave the room. She is a nice woman and I believe she means well most of the time but there is this weird underlying control thing going on. Plus she is a bit too demanding when it comes to Ava and that hits a nerve. I was hoping this could all be remedied over time but after two years little has changed. Using guilt as a tactic to get your way discredits a person in my book. So how do I improve this situation?

Speedy

2005-03-04T12:58:00.000-08:00

Today we got a cable modem. It is so fabulously fast. I don't know what we we thinking keeping dial up all these years.

Conquering The Couch

2005-02-25T11:31:00.000-08:00

Ava has officially learned to climb onto the couch. It is an emotional day for all.

One Mullet Said To Another Mullet...

2005-02-23T23:44:00.000-08:00

So this evening I was at the Country Fair which is a mini mart where I was purchasing a new bridal magazine and an iced tea. As I was waiting in a really long line to be checked out, there were two slightly rowdy male mullets in front of me. One mullet said to the other mullet quite loudly, "Any self respecting white male would have punched that N-word in the face." Now, I cannot believe that there are still people that speak this way, let alone say it so loudly in a public place as if they were trying to make sure everyone could hear them. Luckily, there were no African Americans in the store because I would have been even more horrified. I was certainly not the only person who was obviously disgusted. It was such a gross experience.

Pinnochle

2005-02-23T23:40:00.000-08:00

I love Pinnochle. It is just the most wonderful card game. My parents taught Steve and I last year and when ever we get together we play. I always thought it was an old persons game because all my great aunts and uncles play. But it is fabulous.

Grandparents

2005-02-23T23:28:00.000-08:00

My parents visited this weekend. Ava actually cried for a while after they left. It was so great to know that she actually knows them and wants them to be around. It was a worry of mine that when we moved so far from them that Ava would not know them. Yea!

Pink Floyd Has Returned

2005-02-13T23:39:00.000-08:00

On Friday I received a package in the mail. It contained half of my Pink Floyd box set, one roll of developed pictures and a note that must have been written about 2 years ago by the context. It was from a friend I have not spoken to in about a year and a half. I was friends with this girl for a good 5 years. She was not the ideal friend. She had issues and rubbed many people the wrong way. I admit she got on my nerves frequently but I knew her past and why she was this way. She was the girl that required alot of attention and measured her worth by others. She could be petty and treated people differently to their face than behind their back. She had a big jealous streak and was possessive of me friendshipwise.

She could also be very sweet and loyal. She was not afraid to stick up for me and was a good listener even if her advice was often biased to benefit her. She was creative and original and a true music fan.

You may wonder why I would waste time on such a person. I guess in the beginning it was just fun. Later on it was out of habit and her persistence for us to remain close. And honestly when there was no one else around and nothing to prove, she was a blast. We sort of ended our friendship with a two week cross country road trip. It was after this trip that she borrowed my Pink Floyd. The trip was a blast but I will admit as usual she got on my nerves. A couple months after the trip I began dating my now fiancee and father of my daughter. My friend had casually dated him for about a month that previous summer. She described him as fat and not good enough for her. Actually I found out later that she had called him unusually frequently and was frustrated by his lack of response.

After a month of dating my now fiancee I realized that I really liked and cared for him. I told her of the relationship assuming she would not care because of how she spoke about him and the amount of time that had gone by since they dated. She pretended she didn't care and told me I would probably get an STD. After that we didn't really talk much. When she found out I was pregnant through a mutual friend, she called me. I could tell it was just because she wanted to confirm it. She acted as though we were still great friends and and I was happy about it. All this time I had been asking her to return my Pink Floyd and pics from our trip. Following this call I must have called her ten times asking again. Finally I realized I would never get it.

Then two days ago, here it is. She had apparently called my Mom for my address and phone #.
Why would she return it now? With a note that was obviously written 2 years ago by the content? Why no new note? Why no acknowledgement of my baby? She had never even called to see if I was OK or my baby was OK? Is this because she wants to make contact again? Is she just trying to do the right thing? Were the CDs cluttering up her apartment? I guess I should be thankful she finally returned them and I guess I really don't care why.

It is strange how people wander in and out of your life. Sometimes you don't even hear them leave.

The School Cafeteria

2005-02-10T22:16:00.000-08:00

So there was a big expose on school cafeteria food on tv. Somewhere about forty five kids got food poisoning from cafeteria food. So the news program toured several cafeterias with health inspectors and found rodent feces, improper food temperatures and general uncleanliness. Then they did a larger study by pulling health inspector reports from two years ago on schools in major cities around the country. All were had major violations 20% or more of the time. Same types of violations...rodents! wrong temperatures! unclean utensils! unclean food containers! They spoke with one school administrator re: hamburgers found 2o degrees under temperature. The administrator said no one would have gotten sick because the were not sitting out long enough. The health inspector disagreed. No apologies, how crazy is that. On national tv this administrator blew it off. I guess I 'll be packing Ava's lunch when she goes to school. Thank God we pay school taxes. We give our children over to strangers for 8 hours a day trusting them with their safety and they can not even give them healthy food.

I guess my "only eat prepackaged food" in high school was not such a bad idea. A bag of chips and an iced tea were probably healthier than anything they were serving.

The Notebook

2005-02-09T22:19:00.000-08:00

Can I just say that The Notebook was one of the most romantic movies ever made? I am sorry I did not wait for Valentine's Day to watch it with Steven. Although his mother may be coming that weekend and that really turns down the heat.

New Car Smell

2005-02-09T01:12:00.000-08:00

We bought a 2005 Honda CRV today. It is dark blue and fabulous. We drove around for about an hour. It is so exciting, our first real purchase together as a family. I am feeling all mushy about getting married. Ava actually was a bit scared at first. It is amazing that she recognizes the difference of the new car and had to get used to it.

Employment

2005-02-07T22:35:00.000-08:00

I am still looking for a job that won't make me want to puke. No success so far. The job hunting process is so icky. Sending all the resumes and writing the cover letters is the worst. It seems as though they never read them anyway. Not to mention the annoying interviews with generic question after generic question. Yuck.

New Cars

2005-02-07T22:25:00.000-08:00

I have been neglectful, I know. We have been a bit stressed out this week. Our SUV needs almost 1500 in work in order to pass inspection. This was quite a suprise, we knew we needed brakes but not all the other nonsense. So then we thought, let's just buy a new car. So we have spent the past week checking out vehicles. Tomorrow we will have a brand new Honda CRV. A fabulous dark blue color. We actually did not want a SUV because of the gas usage. But we needed something large enough for frequent travel and something that could handle the snow. Weirdly we were unable to get approved for the Subaru Legacy which was our first choice so we ended up with an SUV anyway. This is my first non American car. I feel a bit guilty and I can just imagine what my grandfather will say.

Customer Service

2005-01-29T01:11:00.000-08:00

OK I promise to rave about this once. I hate calling any company whether it be utility, credit cards and my personal favorite medical insurance. I hate the automated phone menus that are confusing, take forever and usually do not give you the specific choice you need. And I definitely hate the new voice menus where you have to say your choice instead of pressing. It makes me feel like an idiot especially in public on a cell. Then you explain the problem to whoever you get, they transfer you because it is not their "department" and then you have to tell your story all over again.

This evening Steven and I had some difficulty with Alltel/Cingular(whoever they are now). We were on the phone with them for an hour and a half. We have a joint cell phone account and are past due by one month. We sort forgot because they did not send me a bill. Anyway we got one of those nasty letters saying they were going to shut the phones off and it would be $25 for each phone reconnection. Not to mention the past due amount they had us owe was really high. So Steven called and was polite for about 45 minutes and then was a bit agitated. They had charged us double for our second line and also charged us for text messaging and emode which I cancelled in Nov. Those charges were removed and we were happy. We were given a one week extension to pay and that was fabulous. Mind you it took us three departments to get that settled. Then we were transferred to billing and it was all downhill from there.

Billing argued that we owed the past due plus the next payment due now. The extension was fine but that did not guarantee our phones would not be shut off. So of course Steve argued this because the nice man we had just talked to said something different. Arguing became yelling and Steven was pulling at his hair. We moved on to the Resolutions dept and things got worse. Leanne was very rude. Suprisingly rude, not only for customer service for for a professional in general. She yelled, threatened to hang up and went into two minute silent pauses with us going "hello, hello?". We were agitated but polite and not yelling. We just wanted our questions answered. No more "that's just our policy" with no explanation. We asked to speak to someone else. We were told it would be up to 30 minuted before someone was available. That added to our irritation. Steve asked her to stop yelling and she told him to turn down his phone. Anyway we waited literally 30 minutes on hold, timed by our phone I might add, until I spoke with the final representative.

By this time Steve was on the floor pulling at his hair. The man was polite and so was I. He told me that they had no control over phones getting shut off. It was run solely on a computer system that they could not access. When the computer noticed a red flag it shut off phones. And it is different for everyone with no basis. Sometimes they are shut off after 15 days past due and on up to 90 days. He told me that the extension doesn't mean anything because they cannot prevent the phones from being shut off. Is that not insane? Why offer an extension in the first place? Then he also told what the nice and apparently stupid man told me about payment. The past due was due now BUT the current bill was due on 2/20/05. Leanne and the man before her were wrong.

PLEASE OH PLEASE STOP THE INSANITY! I am a reasonable women. I know those people probably don't love their jobs. But to explain our situation to 6 different people, be on hold for a half hour, being told different amounts for what we actually owed, not to mention the particularly unpleasant Leanne, the double charges and the services that I cancelled two months ago...and let's not forget the magical computer that no one has access to...CAN YOU BLAME PEOPLE FOR FREAKING OUT? How about the fact that there is no basis for when the computer will shut off someone's phone? Anywhere from 15-90 days? What?

These are the reasons why perfectly good, normal people take guns to schoolyards. I think of the movie Falling Down with Michael Douglas. I can completely relate. They waste our time and take hours off our life with the circles they take us in. Sometimes it feels like a conspiracy to keep us focused on ridiculous nonsense so we won't really see what is going on in the world. I blame George Bush and all his frat boy friends.

I will admit that I once screamed at my medical insurance company. I told them they were murderers and that they would burn in hell for their sins. I was really pissed because they did not cover a medication I needed. I have definitely made improvements.

Dirty GREs

2005-01-27T22:39:00.000-08:00

So I have to take the dirty GREs to apply to grad school. EEEEWWW. Besides the fact that I have not done math above adding since I was twenty, the thought of a standardized test makes me want to vomit. I am sure it will all be fine but I might puke anyway.

Gotti Part Two

2005-01-27T22:37:00.000-08:00

Ok so I was looking up Gotti stuff on the web and no Gotti son is going to Harvard. Apparently Victoria got a little ahead of herself when she made that comment. I apologize.

Gotti

2005-01-25T23:45:00.000-08:00

So I must admit that I watch at least 50% of the reality shows out there. Maybe not every single episode but enough that I could hold a conversation on just about any show. Even though they are usually incredibly stupid and probably coached I just can't help it. Anyway Growing Up Gotti is one of my favorite shows eventhough it is a bit ridiculous. Here is this incredibly rich woman with a mafia father and most likely a mafia ex whose is in prison and denying that she knows of any illegal activities. OK. So here are these 3 sons with everything imaginable, the oldest calls her to ask if he could buy a chinchilla fur coat for $1900 and she says she is sure it is a scam but do what you want. Of course it is fake and so she sends her assisstant to return it and he loses the receipt. She is angry with him understandably but states that her son has no fault in it at all. Then proceeds to buy all 3 of her sons $5000ish fur coats. The whole thing is just goofy. She seems to want to protray being very motherly and laying down the law for her kids but for gods sake. I mean who cares really? I just am completely amazed sometimes that there are people out there with no boundaries and a have a bottomless pit of money. And many of them are younger than me. Of course her older son is going to attend Harvard. Now not to be judgemental but does this kid really have the grades and test scores? I really doubt it. Plus you know he walks around saying "Where are all my ballers? and Drop it like it's hot!" That just irritates me. But I will continue to watch the show and ounish myself on a weekly basis. Thank you for your support.

Some of this bitterness may come from the fact that my freaking SUV needs $1000 of work before it will pass inspection. Prostitution may not be the worst idea.

Razzle Dazzle

2005-01-20T10:54:00.000-08:00

I have discovered a renewed passion for Razzles while see Meet The Fockers at the quaint movie theater in Meadville. Razzles...not just a candy but also a gum!

Plaque and Employment and Islands

2005-01-17T22:04:00.000-08:00

Plaque: I went to the dentist today. I have four cavities. Three littles and one biggie. He did the biggie today which was almost my entire tooth. I have not had a cavity in 9 years. I blame it on pregnancy. I could noy brush my teeth properly for 5 months because I puked like a frat boy. S I would like to thank the divine plan for pregancy for rotting my teeth along with ruining my girlish firgure.

Employment: I have two interviews tomorrow. Both are jobs that I do not really want. But we need some more income since we are paying for half of our wedding. One interviewer is requiring that I bring an official copy of my college transcript(no photo copies), a copy of my original diploma, car insurance, car registration, act 33 and 34 clearances, SS card and "any other" certificates of achievement that might be relevant. This is a freakin TSS job. Complete waste of the state's money and 80% waste for my client. Not to mention shitty pay. Before I run around trying to come up with all this nonsense shouldn't I know whether or not they are hiring me or whether or not I even want the job? I can not take all the crap sometimes.

Islands: I choose to live on my own island.

Mr. Gynecology

2005-01-13T21:25:00.000-08:00

So today I went to my new ob/gyn for the first time. I would like to mention that Meadville Ob/GYN has been voted one of the best in the nation...so all the commercials and funny fallic looking awards claim. My grievances:
1) It was so damn hot I was sweating my ass off.
2) I had to wait over a half hour to be seen.
3) My doctor was a small foreign male. I generally prefer females but there is only one ob/gyn in a 45 minute radius so I have no choice for convenience sake. I do not like incredibly tiny people because I am not incredibly tiny. Foreign is no problem as long as I can completely understand what they are saying . In this case I could.
4) I spoke with the doctor before undressing. He asked me to get undressed and he would be in in a minute. It is customary to knock before entering especially when you know a person may be nude. I was ,shall we say, partially nude.
5) He shouted "You must cover up!" and threw a sheet over me.
6) When checked my breathing with his cold stethoscope he made me pull my gown out from under my ass so he did not have to listen through my paper thin gown. I know this is not necessary.
7) When he did my breast exam he jiggled them about. I have been visiting the ob/gyn since I was 16. This is over ten years of experience and I remember no jiggling.
8)THIS IS THE BIG ONE. I needed to have a routine pap smear. For those whose are not familiar, the doc puts a cold speculum into your vagina and uses the speculum to spread your vaginal walls wider so he can use an extremely large cu-tip to swab your cervix. Normally an extremely uncomfortable slightly painful proceadure for myself. However it never takes more than 30 seconds. This doc to way over 5 minutes and had to use four different speculums. While he was doing this he mumbled unpleasant things about my uterus. The nurse kept asking if she could help and at one point he said(loudly and sharply) "I need more light!). I did receive a small apology from both of them.

Now I do not think this doc was a perv because it just didn't seem so. One because the nurse was staring at him the whole time and two because I watch a shitload of Lifetime movies and know what signs to look for. But I have to say this is my third worst experience at the ob/gyn. The first being going to Planned Parenthood at 16 using the bathroom after the exam and seeing several speculums on the back of the toilet. The second being my unltrasound when I was twenty weeks pregnant...I had to drink sooo much water and they made me wait forever.

It should be noted that the doc was very knowledgable and this should not in any way dissuade someone from going to the Meadville ob/gyn.

You Must Have a Theme

2005-01-10T23:22:00.000-08:00

OK so all the wedding stuff I have been reading says that you simply must have a theme whether it be daisies on everything or Medeviel costumes. This is just rough. I am not very themey, I guess, but of course I don't want a cookie cutter affair. Yuck I wish I was rich so I could hire all kinds of fab wedding peeps with fab wedding items in fab wedding colors with fab wedding sparklies...yeah.

Big Hair Bad Makeup

2005-01-08T18:21:00.000-08:00

I was checking my email and my usual "keep me company station" changed to a hair band show. I remember loving Skid Row, Warrant and the like when I was 11 or 12 and thinking their songs especially the ballads were so heartfelt. What a little freak I was. Their lyrics are so icky and bad but of course I still secretly love few. Sometimes I think about digging out tapered black Jordashe jeans with a black Tshirt and big gold hoops. I was really hot.

Social Work

2005-01-05T01:03:00.000-08:00

Since I can no longer handle being a stay at home mother I have sent 21 fabulous resumes so I can again rejoin the lovely world of social work. I have worked in the field for four years prior to having ava. It was quite sucky. Of course I thought that I would save children and better the world. What a load of crap! No money, constantly understaffed and generally dealing with the darker side of humans...and not to mention I was paid dick and had to have a second job. Actually I did not completely hate social work. I still would like to be in a helping profession. I especially would like to be a relief worker that helps displaced persons and the like. That way I could travel, help people and see real life in other countries not just Sandals resorts. Of course I am now limited to a point because of my one year old. Would it scar her for life if I went to another country for a month, would it scar my relationship with her father and would I miss them too much? And of course in my freak out mind...would I weirdly be killed or get a nasty disease? Then I would not fulfill my responsibility to my family. So meanwhile I will apply to graduate school to get an MSW. Something I wanted to do anyway but relationships, depression and a kid got in the way. I have to get into the adult world again. All this time to ponder is making me batty.

The Insanity Has Begun

2005-01-01T23:17:00.000-08:00

So of course people are beginning to find out about my engagement and the questions are flooding in. I remember this part form last time. then I was excited and wanted to discuss wedding plans with anyone who would listen. Now I am just annoyed. I have no clue, this time we have no money and I have a bit of PTSD I am dealing with. Not to mention after I called off the wedding last time I realized how much of a racket the whole wedding industry is. It is dog eat dog. They will sell you anything and tell you you need everything. And you will stress about it until you become ill. Making the whole process crazy until you are just desperate for it to be over.

The Royal Egagement

2004-12-31T22:54:00.000-08:00

So as of midnight this fine New Year's Eve, I am officially egaged. It was no suprise really. Steven and I have been together for a couple of years and have daughter. Anyway the parents are excited because we are one step closer to not being sinners. Now comes the horribleness of wedding planning. It should be noted that I have already planned an entire wedding 3 years ago and called it of a few months prior because I realized my fiacee had a gambling problem. Anyway that whole experience has left me a bit jaded about weddings. And of course this time around there is less money to work with and more of me to work with. whoo hoo!

Happy New Year All!

Naked Baby

2004-12-29T20:48:00.000-08:00

Ava has a horrible rash from teething. One of the things that helps is to let your baby run around naked so the rash can get air. I cleaned up pee 7 times today and some poop pellets once. There has got to be a better way.

Merry Merry

2004-12-29T01:38:00.000-08:00

So Christmas is that crazy time of year when all should feel cheery and have good will toward everyone. But sometimes it just gets nutty. Decorating the house, buying all the gifts, sending cards, traveling five hours just so you can spend two and a half days on overdrive trying to see family. Not to mention remembering to get your kid in for their Christmas picture in November so you can get the pics in time to send Christmas cards. Because of course last year you were chastized for sending them after Christmas. Eventhough you gave birth to your child on Nov 28th and were still recovering from a C-section.

All that aside Christmas was quite fun this year. Ava was quite cute trying to open all her packages. Of course she preferred playing with the wrapping paper eventhough I painstakingly chose all of her gifts.

I would also like to mention that Greco's Pharmacy was having a free give away of merchandise to it's loyal customers becasue they are going out of business. I thought this was a wonderful gesture. When can you actually get up to twenty items for free including gitftwrap, cards, books, vitamins and such? Since neither my mother nor I had ever actually shopped at Greco's we felt this was a perfect time to check it out. It was a madhouse. Most of the people were women and most of them were older. These women and some men(just to be fair) were like warriors...charging in front of other people to get a certain card, calculating and counting to get their 20 items. One woman grabbed a bottle of vitamin C out of my hand and told me she had been looking at it first. Needless to say I did get my 20 free items and then by my mother's prodding went back in for 10 more cards. Merry Christmas and goowill to all!

Oh So Lonely

2004-12-22T21:36:00.000-08:00

So I have decided to blog. Living in Meadville is lonely. I have wonderful Steve, my boyfriend, and Ava,our daughter but friends and family I have not. I get lonely. It is not as easy to make friends as it was in highschool or college. I have never lacked for friends. In fact I currently have some wonderful friends. Most of whom I only see a few times a years if that. Everyone lives in different places and everyone has gotten really busy with life. Myself included...this year mostly with Ava who does not allow for spontaneous trips or sleeping on my friends' floors. I have to say I am not really motivated to make friends. It is tedious and tiring. Trying to find someone who I like, is fun and can handle my dramatic emotional breakdowns is difficult. I don't want to put the time into it. Some of that is becuse I have a kid and some is that I am older. Somewhere along the line in the past three years I have changed and expectations have changed. But I am still the same... for better or for worse.
It is times like these when I make a big change in my life or I feel a bit cut off from the rest of the world, that I travel back in time in my head and flashes of my friends appear. Mostly college ones but sometimes highschool too. It scares me that I forget more and more about my own past everyday. Those times with your friends in highschool and college are so amazing eventhough you don't quite realize how amazing they are at the time. You are free and unburdened for the most part. The whole world is in front of you and all you have to do is pick a direction and go. Funny though I had a hard time picking a direction. I wanted to stay as we were. When you go to college your friends become your family, your less judgemental family. You live with them, eat with and sleep with them. Sometimes you even make love to them. A moment in time where all you care about is where everyone's hanging out and do you have a ride? I can see smiles and laughs of friends in my head. Visions of antics and fights and dancing. Alot of drugs and alcohol.
But alas things change and we move on. Responsibilities become greater and sometimes the fun becomes less. Though this may sound depressing it really is not that bad. Becuase hopefully you find someone you love or at least someone you like a heck of alot and can partner up with. And hopefully everyone will have a love for a child as I do. The more things change the more they stay the same. I can only imagine how I will be feeling at 37.