Oh So Lonely

So I have decided to blog. Living in Meadville is lonely. I have wonderful Steve, my boyfriend, and Ava,our daughter but friends and family I have not. I get lonely. It is not as easy to make friends as it was in highschool or college. I have never lacked for friends. In fact I currently have some wonderful friends. Most of whom I only see a few times a years if that. Everyone lives in different places and everyone has gotten really busy with life. Myself included...this year mostly with Ava who does not allow for spontaneous trips or sleeping on my friends' floors. I have to say I am not really motivated to make friends. It is tedious and tiring. Trying to find someone who I like, is fun and can handle my dramatic emotional breakdowns is difficult. I don't want to put the time into it. Some of that is becuse I have a kid and some is that I am older. Somewhere along the line in the past three years I have changed and expectations have changed. But I am still the same... for better or for worse.
It is times like these when I make a big change in my life or I feel a bit cut off from the rest of the world, that I travel back in time in my head and flashes of my friends appear. Mostly college ones but sometimes highschool too. It scares me that I forget more and more about my own past everyday. Those times with your friends in highschool and college are so amazing eventhough you don't quite realize how amazing they are at the time. You are free and unburdened for the most part. The whole world is in front of you and all you have to do is pick a direction and go. Funny though I had a hard time picking a direction. I wanted to stay as we were. When you go to college your friends become your family, your less judgemental family. You live with them, eat with and sleep with them. Sometimes you even make love to them. A moment in time where all you care about is where everyone's hanging out and do you have a ride? I can see smiles and laughs of friends in my head. Visions of antics and fights and dancing. Alot of drugs and alcohol.
But alas things change and we move on. Responsibilities become greater and sometimes the fun becomes less. Though this may sound depressing it really is not that bad. Becuase hopefully you find someone you love or at least someone you like a heck of alot and can partner up with. And hopefully everyone will have a love for a child as I do. The more things change the more they stay the same. I can only imagine how I will be feeling at 37.