Lack of Time or...

I just feel like my head will explode. I have all this ridiculous anger towards school. I am frustrated with my classes and how much time they are taking up. I just keep thinking don't blow it now. I have four As and a C. I am not even a grades freak or anything but I figure since I have As I should try to keep them. It is all for not though because I have way too much to read. And I like to read. One of those people who could read a book in a day if they were into it. But I miss my freedom and my kid and my fiancee. We have no money, the holidays are coming up and I am thinking why did I think school was a good idea. As much as I try I am just a night owl. Everytime I get myself conditioned to go to bed at 1am because of a job or something as soon as I get a break I am up until 3 or 4. I can't help it. Idon't even want to be up late anymore. I have these dreams of getting up at 7am and enjoying the peace and having a bunch of things accoplished by noon. So do I really have a lack of time or a lack of discipline? Plus the wedding crap is freaking me out. I want to lose the baby weight which continues to plague me for the last two years and actually have time to plan things well. I have really considered taking off next semester to plan but that would lead to a whole bunch of other problems. Maybe I'll just go take a hot shower.

Mouse in the House

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone! It will be quite happy here because Steven's Mom can't make it because of the snow. Yeah! That may sound mean but there is alot of back story. Anyway we are still having his elderly Aunt Jane who lives in the retirement home nearby. It should be fun. This is the first time we have cooked a holiday meal for someone else. We will be having a cheese and cracker tray, veggie tray, citrus infused turkey, mashed potatoes, stuffing, green bean casserole, candied carrots, salad and pumpkin pie made by me! No sweet potatoes because Steven hates them, hence the candied carrots.

In other news we have a mouse in the house. Last night around 2:30am I was reading the paper on the floor in the living room after finishing the pies and I thought I saw something out of the corner of my eye. This has happened to me all my life because I am terrified of ghosts. Anyway it was no ghost it was a large dark gray mouse possibly a mole. It ran past me about two feet away. I was like lightning upstairs while screaming Steven's name. I threw the lights on and he almost fell out of bed. Anyway I made him sit up for an hour trying to find the mouse. I couldn't sleep last night. I put towels under our and Ava's bedroom door hoping it couldn't get in. And my mother always says when there's one there's two. I grew up in the country so a mouse in the house is not uncommon but I just can't stand. There is a damn blizzard outside and I am going to have to pilgrimage for traps.

All Fours

OK, what is with women posing on all fours? I mean I know what they are getting at but for God's sake. There is a reality Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader thing on right now and they have some of them posing on all fours for the squad photo. I mean, really, it isn't porn. And seriously ladies, how often are we on all fours? I am sure I will be lucky enough for Ava to be a cheerleader in Junior High and in her yearbook photo she will be on all fours. I bet no one will even think it is weird. Actually, we have a family photo coming up. I am going to pose on all fours and we will all wear blue sweaters. Perfect.

Matrimony Madness

I am starting to have freak outs about the wedding ceremony. I am not too excited about being the focus of all the attention. I am totally uncomfortable with myself since I had Ava. I honestly am afraid I may get panic attacky. Anyway we have opted for the shorter service rather than go through a whole mass which I guess will help lengthwise. For those of you who don't know Catholic services tend to be long rather than those nice 15 minute Prostestant ceremonies. Still I know I know I will not be a calm composed bride. I will be a nut and my bridesmaids will not know what to do with me. I have already had suggestions from friends to only invite a handful of people to the ceremony and then the rest to the reception but I don't think they understand the concept of Catholic people. You never cut out the church.

Thanksgiving

I am looking forward to Thanksgiving because we have sort of adopted it as our holiday. Because we live away from family we are forever traveling hours and hours for the festivities. It is nice to be in your own home for a holiday. Anyway this year we are having turkey stuffed with citirus fruit, stuffing, mashed potatoes, green bean casserole, cranberry sauce, corn and salad. For dessert either pumpkin pie or pumpkin pudding pie. Steven deosn't like pumpkin pie which is just crazy. I also have to make a secondary dessert to celebrate Ava's birthday. Eventhough we already had a party for her we have to do it again because Steven's mother and Aunt are coming. My only Thanksgiving burden is having to cook for a woman who hates me. But I shall drink alot of wine and enjoy the football game.

Big Mac Attack

A few months ago they demolished the McDonald's downtown. Steven and I were excited thinking that something interesting would take it's place. Obviously we are crazy because they built another McDonald's in it's place. So today walking to my car from my internship a with his son makes small talk with me as we wait for the light. He asks me if I had been to the new McDonald's. I say no is today the grand opening? Yes he says. Is it nice I say? Yes it's lovely just lovely. We then part ways and I chuckle. The man was a bit WT and I thought it was cute how excited he was. Later on today we are driving to WalMart to replace the blowdryer that so conveniently broke this AM and we run into this insane traffic jam. Oh yes the new McDonald's is packed and they hired auxiliary police to manage traffic. Oh My God! The whole town must have been there. This is apparently the most exciting thing since 50s Night at the Community Center. Amazing.

Mommy Guilt

I can't believe how much work I have in grad school. I knew it would be hard but this is getting out of control. I thought fulltime school and planning a wedding would be not too bad. I am a nut. Now that the two day a week internship has begun, the weekly ten hours of reading and 2, 3, or 6! assignments a week are a bit much. And I don't mean homework assignments, I mean reasearch assignments and papers and nonsense. I have been to the histroical society three times in the last two months. They now use turnitin.com for papers which makes me incredibly nervous. Not that I plagarize or anything but jeez my last paper came up that I took from two high school papers which I had never even seen. Good God!

Plus this wedding planning business is driving me nuts. I can't pin down a color scheme. At least we have a date, Sept 23rd, and a church and a reception venue. Thank God! It only took 6 months to get one.

Plus I have the Mommy guilt. I don't see Ava as much and she is very clingy. I try to study upstairs while Steven is watching her downstairs. As soon as he turns his back she runs up the stairs and busts into the room saying "Hi! Hi!". She misses me and I miss her.

I really want to get good grades(and have to get them to remain in the program) but I wonder what is more important. Mommy guilt is rough.

Sorority Life

I just finished reading Pledged by Alexandra Robbins. It was quite good. Of course I was looking for all the negative stories. The book did give some but I think it was a fair assessment of what sororities are like today. It kind of grossed me out. The lack of community service was suprising to me but I guess it shouldn't have been. I know there is a crazy amount of partying and all of their special meetings but I really thought they did more for the community. I guess instead of excessive partying, alcohol poisoning and date rape, I would rather think of the original sororities. The fraternities come a serenade and the girls don't haze each other. And there is all the formals and wearing pearls. It seems like it might have been romantic. Oh well.